The first step in facing teenage problems head-on is learning effective communication. Poor communication breaks down trust between parents and kids. It is in fact an impediment to relationships of all kinds. The good news is communication skills are teachable and when applied – for the purpose of this article – with teens, teenage problems will minimize.
Pause Before You Speak
When asked for advice on how to deal with teenage problems, professionals often pass along the age-old wisdom of counting to 10 before engaging in conversation with your teen. Sage advice, but easier said than done; especially when the discussion activates your anxiety. One of my clients who’d been dealing with teenage problems told me about a situation that illustrates this point clearly.
My client had just picked up her son from school. They’d been dealing with a few teenage problems over the years, but things were going fairly smoothly in the middle of his senior year. After a few minutes of silence he turned off the car radio and said,
“Mom, I’ve decided not to go to college…”
Without allowing him to finish his sentence, or asking how he’d come to this decision, his mother pulled the car over and began screaming at him.
“What do you mean you’re not going to college?!”
It really wasn’t a question because she didn’t care about the answer. She just kept screaming and in minutes a fierce power struggle ensued. Her son had really wanted to discuss this with her. (Remember, he turned the radio off. How often does that happen with a teenager?) Instead he shut down, crossed his arms and averted his gaze, unwilling to hear a word she said.
If mom would’ve taken a slow, deep breath or counted to ten before she spoke, she would’ve built a foundation of trust with her son before their conversation. This was an opportunity for her first communication; a wordless communication that said, “I’m listening.” The pause would have given her son time to realize that his mom was respecting his right to make choices, that there was no easy answer, and that she wasn’t abandoning him; three important building blocks in working through teenage problems.
When you begin to build trust with your teen by listening, you’ll slowly break down the walls wrought by teenage problems, and work to create a happy, healthy relationship with your child.